• Practical Ways to Find Your Bearings.
  
  
  1. Don't deny your feelings - feel them, journal about them, talk about them
  2. Find time every day for reflection
  3. Pay attention to your dreams
  4. Make a list of what's not changing - your "personal stability zone"
  5. Take time to mourn your losses
  6. Participate in rituals to mark the changes in your life
  7. Be okay with searching. Don't feel like you need to have answers immediately.
  8. Take care of yourself physically by getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and maintaining a healthy diet
  9. Feed yourself positive mental food
  10. Lean on your support network
  11. Don't be afraid to say you are continuing to find your way
  12. Don't take action just to avoid uncomfortable feelings
  13. Postpone decisions until you have fully reflected on the impact of your transition
  14. Trust the process of growth you are experiencing
  
  Adapted from Thriving in Transition Effective Living in Times of Change By Marcia Perkins-Reed
  
  
• Regrets Only
  
  Have you ever received an invitation that read RSVP Regrets Only? Persons who are grieving the death of a loved one often express regrets. They are the things we wish we had done or said. The widow who had planned on doing extensive traveling with her husband after he retired from work and then was unable to fulfill her dream as he was suddenly diagnosed with a terminal illness. Or the regret of not being with a person at the time of death. Perhaps you regret expressing frustration at the amount of care your loved one needed. Or wish you had expressed your love and how much you would miss him.
  
  Feeling regretful is not the same as feeling guilty. Guilt is feeling like you did something wrong. Sometimes a person has reason to feel guilty like not stopping at a stop sign resulting in a fatal car accident. People with certain religious beliefs may feel guilty about being angry with God.
  
  Helen Fitzgerald in The Mourning Handbook: A Complete Guide for the Bereaved offers several suggestions for dealing with regrets and guilt.
  
  
  1. Begin by identifying what is causing you to feel regretful or guilty. Make a list and determine what causes you to feel guilty and what causes you to feel regretful. Writing the list may in itself be beneficial. Look at your list. Think about what you could do to reduce the regrets.
  2. Be careful not to second-guess yourself. Don't be overly critical of your behavior. People are generally doing the very best they can during a stressful time. Fitzgerald says "don't assign greater strength to yourself now than those circumstances would have allowed." We are not super human beings.
  3. Try to be objective. If the guilt is real you may need professional help to deal wit it. But if the guilt is more your own way of looking at the situation, talk about it with a trusted friend. Perhaps another person can help you look at the situation differently.
  4. Plan to do something to eliminate your guilt. Maybe there's a task you've been putting off doing or something you could do for someone else. You need to decide how much you should do in order to let go of your feelings of guilt.
  5. Be ready to forgive yourself. If that seems hard to do; then think about why it is difficult.
  6. Think about what you have learned. Ask yourself what you could do to prevent having similar feelings in the future. If you wish you had expressed your feelings of love then resolve to do it now to people you care about.
  7. Finally, don't forget the many good things you did for that person. Remember those good things when you start feeling bad about yourself. Writing them down may be helpful.
  
  The cartoonist for the comic strip For Better or Worse has written about the death of the family dog, Farley. In one of the strips, Mike's girlfriend urged him to write about what happened. He was reluctant to do so fearing the emotional pain he thought would occur. The pain was similar to experiencing major surgery. His girlfriend's response was "one has surgery when something needs to come out." What are the necessary steps for you to take to lessen your regrets?
  
  
• The Choice is Yours
  
  Richard Nixon resigned in disgrace as President of the United States. John F. Stacks in Time Magazine reported Nixon almost died after he left Washington due to a bout of phlebitis and that he had considered suicide. However during Nixon's memorial service, eulogy after eulogy reviewed the significant contributions President Nixon gave to foreign policy. He was viewed as having made a positive contribution toward world peace.
  
  The life of Bill Clinton's mother, Virginia Kelley, was filled with challenges. She experienced the death of her first husband before Bill was born. Her second husband was an alcoholic and abusive. Yet one of her sons became President of the United States.
  
  Viktor E. Frankl survived horrendous experiences in Nazi concentration camps. His book, Man's Search for Meaning, written after his release became an international best seller.
  
  What kept these individuals going? How were they able to get through each day? Viktor E. Frankl sums it up by saying a person can have everything taken away except for the freedom "to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
  
  Former President Bill Clinton says his mother "never let hardship become an excuse for her, nor would she permit it to become an excuse for us. We were supposed to be grateful for every day." Richard Nixon deliberately decided to try to change how he was perceived. He met with foreign dignitaries and provided counsel to government leaders. He had finished his ninth book when he was hospitalized prior to his death.
  
  You are mourning the death of a very special person. You too may wonder how you will get up in the morning. You also have the freedom to choose how you will respond. You cannot change the fact the person has died but you can change yourself.
  
  The authors of the book The Grief Adjustment Guide offer these suggestions:
  
  
  • Set your own goals, rather than goals others provide for you.
  • Believe that you will not always feel as you do now.
  • Make decisions carefully - one at a time.
  • Build a support network of people who accept you with your grief.
  • Be good to yourself.
  • Get into a healthy routine of regular activities.
  • Be aware of new strengths you gain as time goes by.
  • Think about your relationship to your loved one in a positive way. What good things did you bring to the relationship?
  • Protect your personal feelings, priorities, and values.
  • Accept help graciously when you need it.
  • Use your loss crisis as a stepping stone to a new life experience.
  • Help yourself grow by talking about your desires and your limitations and by making your requests known to others.
  • Show appreciation for people who affirm your growth.
  • Remind yourself that growth is a lifelong process.
  
  Earl Grollman, noted author on grief and loss, says "Grief is a process but recovery is a choice." Choosing to recover requires taking life by the shoulders and giving it a good shake, according to the authors of The Grief Adjustment Guide (Greeson, Hollingsworth, R. Washburn). It means choosing to dream rather than to only remember. It means seeing the rising sun rather than the setting sun. It means hope rather than hopelessness. It means choosing to embrace life rather than just surviving. What will your choice be?
  
  
• Rituals: Connecting the Past with the Future
  
  Rituals are a part of our daily lives. Families have rituals about when they get together, special food that is prepared for holiday occasions, and ways they greet each other. Young children find bedtime rituals of reading stories and a goodnight hug comforting. Rituals are important because their familiarity provide an anchor to help us make transitions into the unknown. You have experienced changes in many of your rituals because a significant person is no longer able to participate with you.
  
  Evan Imber-Black and Janine Roberts in their book, Rituals for Our Times: Celebrating Healing, and Changing Our Lives and Our Relationships describe the four kinds of rituals:
  1. The day-to-day rituals of eating, sleeping, hello and good-bye
  2. The family traditions to celebrate events like anniversaries, birthdays, reunions and vacations
  3. Holiday celebrations of national, religious, or community events
  4. Life-cycle rituals like weddings, baby showers, retirement parties, and funerals
  
  
  You are invited to think specifically about the recent major life-cycle rituals that you have experienced. Imber-Black and Roberts suggest asking the following questions.
  • Did the ritual live up to most of your expectations, or was it disappointing to you in some significant way? Has the disappointment lasted far beyond the ritual?
  • Did the ritual enhance relationships, or did relationships deteriorate?
  • Can you talk about the ritual?
  • Is there a life-cycle ritual you would like to redo? How would you like it to be different? What would you need to change in order to make it a meaningful ritual?
  If you find you avoid creating or participating in rituals, you may have some issues with significant people that need to be dealt with. Your bereavement social worker can help you to sort through the issues to enhance the possibility of growth. The way you choose to deal with rituals can help you feel connected to the past as well as to the future.
  
  
• Can Medication Help With My Grief
  
  Many people wonder whether taking medication after the death of a loved one will help them sleep, feel less anxious or sad. Medications that affect the mind and behavior are called psychotropic drugs. Psychotropic medication will not help you learn to cope with the death of your loved one. It can occasionally be used to stabilize a person when personal hygiene is not being addressed or when one is unable to relate in a meaningful way with people close to them. If your doctor prescribes medication to help you, contact with your bereavement social worker is recommended. Sometimes people will rely too much on the medication instead of trying to deal with the significant changes you have experienced. Just like aspirin can reduce a fever without clearing up the infection that caused it, psychotropic medication may help to control the feelings of grief but will not change the fact that a loved one died. You may initially experience a false sense of well being and become less interested in working on dealing with your grief, which can result in more problems later.
  
  If your doctor prescribes medication for you, work with your physician to increase the chances the medication will be effective.
  • Make sure your doctor knows your past medical history.
  • Inform the physician about any medications you are currently taking including vitamins, over the counter medications and how much alcohol you drink.
  • Let your doctor know Hynes Memorial Hospice has bereavement social workers that are available to help you deal with your grief. Research has shown medication and talking with a counselor may be more effective than medication alone.
  • Ask for the name of the medication and what it is supposed to do.
  • Find our how and when you are supposed to take it and when you should stop.
  • Know if there are any food, drinks including alcohol, other medications, or activities you should avoid while taking the prescribed medication.
  • Ask for information about side effects and what you should do if they occur.
  • Make sure you have the information about the medications in writing so you can refer to it again.
  
  
  People differ in how they respond to medication. Sometimes people respond better to one medication than another. Some may need larger dosages than others do. Some experience annoying side effects, while others do not. Age, sex, body size, body chemistry, physical illnesses and their treatments, diet, and habits such as smoking, are some of the many habits that can influence how a medication works for you.
  
  Some medications take several weeks before improvement occurs. Initially, improvement may be subtle. When you do feel better, do not just stop taking the medications. Unpleasant side effects may occur. Please talk with your doctor before discontinuing.
  
  When medication is prescribed after the death of a loved one, you have a responsibility to make sure you are working closely with your doctor and your bereavement social worker.
  
  

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