Understanding Children and Grief

Death is a real part of a child's life. Even a very young child has seen a dead animal or has watched Mufasa fall to his death in the movie The Lion King. All children grieve but there are important distinctions between the grief of a child versus the grief of an adult.

* Immature cognitive development
Children's immature cognitive development limits their understanding of death. Generally a child needs to be about ten or eleven before the abstract nature of death can be fully understood. For example, death should not be referred to as a person sleeping because a young child might believe the dead person would wake up in the morning.

* Ability to tolerate sadness
Children have a limited ability to tolerate emotional pain. They may express sadness one minute and then the next minute is ready to play. Play is a way to escape the pain of all the confusing feelings they are experiencing. Adults sometimes misinterpret this behavior as not feeling the loss as deeply as they are.

* Ability to verbalize feelings
The ability to talk about how they feel is limited and talking about feelings may be avoided. Grief may be expressed more by changes in behavior. Reactions may include depression, low energy level, anger, fear, disorganization, low self-esteem, hyperactivity, aggression and regression. Parents and other significant adults can help children learn to identify their feelings. Children need to be given an honest explanation of the death in words they can understand.

* Sensitive about being different from other children
The peer group is very important to a school age child. Children who have experienced the death of a close family member may not want to be seen as being different. Friends may also be uncomfortable about talking to a peer who is bereaved.

The biggest hurdle for adults in talking with children is their own uncomfortableness or uncertainly about death. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says, "You cannot be a phoney-baloney" with children. Children may interpret adult uncomfortableness as meaning that talking and feeling is not okay. They may fill in the gaps in their understanding of what has occurred with their own interpretation.

How children learn to deal with death will impact their ability to deal with loss for the rest of their lives. If you are concerned about your children or grandchildren, ask your bereavement social worker what you can do to help them.

Why Do Children Need Help With Bereavement?

Adults sometimes find it difficult to talk with children about death. Adults may want to protect children or they may be dealing with their own grief. Children process their grief differently from adults. A well-trained professional can provide much-needed help for parent/guardian and child.

How Do I Know if a Child is in Need of this Assistance?

Parents and counseling professionals may observe behavior that indicates such as anger or withdrawal from others. Children often simply have difficulty handling grief because they are not old enough to understand what is happening, they have limited ability to understand pain, they cannot put their feelings into words and they do not want to seem different from other children. Thus, when children have experienced the loss of someone important in their lives, parents may want to visit with a professional to determine whether assistance is needed.